Not Meant to Be

My laptop died.

Or dying.

Nearly dead.

Gone is what I wrote today. It's interesting because it was one of the most difficult blog entry I have written. I put a lot of thought into it, even revised it while waiting for the train.

I left work later than usual. Just a little. It's always a little busy and stressful at the start of each month. It was more for solidarity than anything else that I left later. I couldn't have done anything useful. I learned from the very first week at work that semblance is important. In that context it was about compliance, that not only do we have to comply with government regulations, but also we have to make the appearance that we are not doing anything wrong. It's important not to raise suspicions even if you have no intention of doing anything illegal. So same here, to maintain the appearance of hardworking is as important as not actually slacking off.

I wrote about my friends again. It's been a tough few days. It is an important few days. It will continue to be tough the next few, especially now that I am starting the next step of my "new life" in earnest: apartment search. My mind needs to be a bit more solid. I haven't been concentrating as much as I want at work, and it's also a coincidence that at the start of the month I personally don't have as much work because everyone else is stressed with "production issues", meaning problems arising from existing software. They are basically fighting a lot of fire with little time to spare. So I didn't have much to do today. I spent the free time learning more about finance, asking questions to those not stressed. I mentioned I have been reading this book about the causes of the financial crisis. One character was interesting to me in that he managed to be a very focused and obsessed person, and since he was obsessed and diligent about investing, he became one of the investment geniuses in the world. His story made me wonder when I would be obsessed about something other than winning a woman's heart.

Without repeating what I said in the lost blog entry, I want to say that my friends helped me out again this time. They called me, met up with me, without thinking about the reasons for which I am down; they just found ways to remind me how amazing a person I am, how unfortunate it is that I have to feel so much pain. I am luckier than most people in the world, I know, and even if I don't always feel grateful when I am down, I am always grateful deep down. They give me the extra boost to face this new step in my new life, even though passing this next round means I will see my friends less. I know I will miss them. But we all know it's time for me to move on and find out what beautiful surprises await me.

I wonder if I will recover that blog entry. I wonder, I wonder if it was some divine sign that I only wrote it but never publish it or even keep it. But at the very least, having written it made me feel more peaceful, feel luckier, and felt more courageous to face a new future.

I hope tomorrow I will be less distracted at work. The pain was the sharpest today but I also think it will be the climax. It's like that night with the vomiting. There was a point where I felt it was just too much, but then it was over, and a few days later, it was just a distant memory with no pain in sight.

Nothing is worth unhappiness, not past connections, not even love for a woman. If that's a lesson I can keep, then whatever anguish that has visited me was worth this lesson. I have, again, my family and friends to thank to help me get through and hopefully break out from another circular relationship.