Listening to Hope

My mood swings a lot. I don't mean like in the past where one week it's good, one week I am grumpy and dramatic. It's daily.

But not unpredictable. I am only unhappy when I am jealous. The unknown makes me jealous. The raw pain of rejection makes me jealous. If I could just throw away the past, I would stop being jealous.

My sister says I am not alone.

That helps a lot. She's cool. She speaks like a Christian preacher, but I can read beyond the religion that I don't feel too attached to.

But it's Lent, the Catholics are fasting, either from food, as it is traditionally so, or from whatever they feel disconnects them from God. And me? What do I do? Every Lent I try to be a Catholic, find something that disconnects me from my happiness.

Jealousy and all the drama surrounding it. And the thought of another weekend alone.

I was able to overcome these "sins", the problems that blow up the bridges between me and happiness. I was able to build at least a temporary bridge last night. When I stopped caring how much some woman rejects me, and started caring how much I love life. That's the me I want to express. Not the jealous me, not the insecure me.

"Whoever ends up with [him] is a really lucky girl."

That's not words of a comforting friend or my loving sister. I am always touched when a friend or family member (really just my sister) reminds me how great a human being I am, and what a great catch I am as a man. But to have these words come from someone I have only met three times, never really talked to. How does she know?

While I was in the gym, I understood the answer.

She's the best friend of my art friend. They were on a roadtrip, and somehow a song came up and my art friend was reminded of me. That's when her friend said that. I was very moved when my friend relayed the words. This time, however, I didn't feel self-pity, didn't say, "Why then all these girls reject me?" I think it's because I understood by now.

"Why do we let people who are way less cool then us get us so down?" A friend said. She was talking about her own recent huge disappointment with a guy. Being a great person doesn't mean most people will see us. Most people won't, no matter how much time we spend with them, they won't see us.

My question remains the same, why do we let those who are "way less cool" make us so miserable? I don't know the answer to that. Not yet. I have a hunch. But nothing concrete yet.

But I do know how that woman knew me enough to make that prediction about the lucky woman who does "see" me. I don't know her well, but from the first time, and every one of those three occasions, that I have seen her, she wasn't someone trivial, not someone "average".

"The average woman won't see the gems you have," my art friend told me. A year ago, she was the one who said that it would take time for someone to discover how wonderful I am. For some time now I thought it meant I was hiding too much, too scared, too self-conscious.

No.

I took my time to blossom, and that's the right way and the right rate at which I show myself. I don't need to go looking for those gems for a woman. That's her job.

And that's how this friend of my art friend knows enough about me to make that bold statement. She is mature enough to see those gems of mine before I fully open up my curtain.

"You don't want an average woman. You want someone who is mature and self-confident enough to look for those gems of yours."

It's true. I have been settling for just any woman, preferably someone cute, someone beautiful so I can at least show off to others that I have a beautiful woman. But really, that's quite ridiculous. I have not really opened my eyes up in my search. The search isn't for just any woman, including the majority of whom are "average", even if they have above average looks. I need to be pickier, but not in terms of looks. Pickier in terms of someone who really wants me.

"I know now that for me to really be serious with a guy, he has to really work hard!"

That's same for me (swap the word "guy" for a "girl"). I don't need a girl to be paying immense attention to me, but rather, a girl who can "see" me. There aren't many out there, but when one does discover me, we are both the luckiest people in the world.

It's easy to just fall for someone by his looks, his flair, his charisma, his intelligence. That's what average people do. That unquenchable heart doesn't have to settle for someone attractive on a logical basis. Falling in love can happen in many ways, but maturity helps one fall in love with the right person.

That is perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned from my most recent drama. It is a lesson for myself, not only from the seemingly arrogant perspective of someone falling in love with me for my so-amazing gems. But also a lesson for myself. If I want to claim maturity, that next level of maturity, I have to stop looking for just cuteness, beauty that is easy to draw and forget. I need to be more connected with what I want, and that connection helps me to refine what I find beautiful. I told my confidants about this woman. She has a sexiness and beauty I find very rare. And until now I didn't understand what I find so attractive about her. She has that amazing maturity shining out like the sun from her big eyes. And when she speaks, to me or to anyone else, I can feel how connected she is with herself. That's what I need to do. For this Lent, the greatest weapon to deal with the annoying demons of jealousy and other things that keep me in an unhappy state is still the same old way: constant reconnection with myself. I hope the next woman I reach out for is that lucky woman who has the eyes needed to see my gems.