The sun had just set below a horizon I cannot see. It was waving a farewell to me just above the tree lines as the train was zipping over the state line. I noticed I got an email when there was still internet in the station. It was from a Russian friend, an old friend, the one that got me into tango, another chapter in my many dramas of this never-boring life. We are good friends now. The drama was short and small compared to everything else. However, we weren't always very close.
Unsurprisingly, I was also her best friend. Of course!
In any case, she had moved back to Russia a few years ago. She was in love with a man here who didn't deserve her, and mistreated her, not in any abusive way, but just didn't treat her with the dignity that she deserved as a human being. She had always been looking for love. A lot had gone wrong before I knew her and that man she fell in love with didn't make her life any more hopeful in the realm of romance.
But then a few years ago she got interested in some sort of Hindu sect after she became more involved with yoga. She even traveled to India twice to participate in ashrams. And after her return she continued her path with the vedic lifestyle, its (vegetarian) food, way of thinking, way of feeling. And little by little, she connected with herself, freeing herself from the torment of searching for a man, of pinning her happiness to the discovery of a man in her life. She had given up her career before her second trip to India. She still lives in St. Petersburg (that's the one in Russia, not in Florida).
And one day, she started to get to know a man from the mission she regularly attended. They became friends. And later, something more.
Without actively seeking anymore, a boyfriend found her. It was icing on a cake that was already bursting with joy and peacefulness. And now they made plans to leave St. Petersburg and move to Thailand and join a mission there. Just for a few years. It's exciting. I am excited for her. And it's a story that inspires me, at least to remind me that life need not be always the way it is; that we can always change it if we want to. The greatest barrier is within ourselves, not money, not politics. But to even know what we want, we need to be more connected with ourselves. She found a way, and little by little, she became more in touch with herself.
Twilight is the chameleon behind the coops of the South Bronx, changing now into a golden orange but also dimming slowly. A woman sitting on my right is texting someone, probably not someone as important as she thinks. A man on my left gives out a long sigh that made his lips flutter. And I am in the middle, wondering about the sun, about my friend, and about the pianist. The Harlem River is turned dark purple by the darkening sky, and people are ending their day. I am supposed to go to kung fu now. I even have my uniform all ready. But I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready for kung fu. It is good for me. I has even changed me a little in the less than three months I have done it. But I am not ready to commit more than three days a week to it when I hardly have two days for it the past month that I started dating this pianist. And it isn't for her alone that I am giving up kung fu. My love still is with tango and I am determined to take myself to the next level, whatever that is. There are simply too many things I want to do and these days I don't do most of them.
My Russian friend (the one in Russia, not the pianist) has found her path, her way, at least for now, to happiness. It is her path, her unique path she paved by herself. The boyfriend came later and was no longer the aim of the path. I am seeking my own path. I am seeking that which makes me happy. But more than happy, that which makes me feel connected, to myself, to the buildings around me, to the fellow commuters, to the darkening sky, to the sun that comes out less and less frequently. Tonight I am going to tango, to dance more, to see the pianist, but also to see the teacher that I was once very infatuated with. She is a good friend and we have not really reconnected much the past month or two. She is one of my New York friends. She just came back from a visit to her country so I want to see her.
For now, this is the most I can do to be connected. I am not going to kung fu because I had to drop one of the three things I have to do tonight: kung fu, nap, and tango. I might be making a mistake, but it wouldn't be a big deal. Reading my friend's email, I am simply reminded that life is bigger than how far I can see now. But in order to see further, I need to know what I am seeing now, the things within this limit, I need to connect to.
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