The Korean guy is on vacation starting today. I haven't had lunch with him or anyone yet this week, though it is a short week and he was here for just two days. I wonder why he just didn't take the four days off starting on Tuesday so he could have extended his long weekend. But from the little I do know of him, he doesn't care about these things much. In fact, I don't know how many people think about these things the way I do, maximizing length of a vacation.
He told us that he would just be home. He complained about having to take these four days before the end of February as required by the company for vacation days rolled over from last year. He complained that it might not be the case, that the deadline might be end of March, but that he was not prepared to talk about it with the manager, with whom he had complained more than once of not really connecting well. His complaint streak continued with what he was going to do these four days: nothing.
Here's where the complaint becomes interesting, for me, at least. I told him he could go to DC. He was hoping to go to Montreal with his wife, but she couldn't take these days off. That was when I told him he could still go to Montreal, or DC, or even San Diego where it was warm. For me, four days is nothing, but if I were him, I would maximize its use.
But he isn't me. He told us, not the surprise of the Englishman but to me, that he couldn't go anywhere without his wife. Not just because he couldn't live without her, but also that she wouldn't let him go.
Here he was, a man who, though has thinner hair than mine (thinning in the way Asian men lose hair, which is not from one spot that expands, but just hair falling over all over), who is obviously younger than me, was behaving so much older, like on TV shows. A man locked in a marriage that he apparently doesn't complain about in general. A man who can't go anywhere without the consent of his wife. He said, half jokingly, "My wife's money is her money. My money is also her money."
They met through friends, on a blind date. I have no idea what she's like. Is she one of those petit Korean girls? Is she big and fat like him? Or not "fat", perhaps cherubic. Is she really demanding, matriarchal like many Asian wives? (This is quite ironic considering that Asian cultures, arguably the worst case found in Korean, are extremely misogynistic.) I wonder how much of his complaints are true, or he was just having your average "guy talk" among men. I threw in my "guy talk" nonsense by saying, "Well, I am glad I am not married." Really? But back to him, he responded by saying that "Girlfriend and Wife are very different. Very different, man!" And he repeated that first sentence again two more times. Then why get married?
However, he doesn't seem unhappy. I think he's one of those people who are grateful to have companionship, who feel grateful that the tedious and sometimes painful road of loneliness and singlehood is finally over, that even if there's no spark, there's at least warmth. I listen to his joking complaints and wonder how overrated I have made marriage. He's right, though, wife isn't like a girlfriend. Men often complain about losing their freedom once the church bells are tolled.
He told me and the Englishman all these things about his marriage when he invited us without warning to coffee (tea for me). It was so strange for me to be invited to something by a man. I was very suspicious. His motive was to express his gratitude to the Englishman for helping us out even when the latter was on vacation the past week, which was very hectic without our captain. So in a way I was very touched that especially in this world of money-making-only and thinking-only-about-money, there's a lot of care, or at least camaraderie. I have never seen this in my life, not at the university (forget it), not in previous jobs. Yes, the ultimate goal is to make as much money as possible, but the smart ones also understand that you can't do this alone. You need not be a poor-people-loving socialist to understand the power of the community, or rather, the weakness of the individual. I am sure the Korean man wasn't thinking about how to make the team more efficient, but I suppose he has had enough experience in working in teams and in the private industries to feel natural to foster bonds within a team. Granted, he is the most outgoing person in the group, not just in this subgroup the three of us are in. He is always inviting people to have lunch with him when he has the time. He calls me buddy after we had a bit of friction over some minor project management issue. His attitude in working both inspires me and irks me. And the negative feelings I have reveal, I think, how much of a loner I have become, at least in the field of work. And the inspiration shows how much I want to get out of that state of being a loner, being someone who, despite complaining so much about being lonely, actually chooses more often than he thinks to be alone, to isolate himself from others, especially Asian men.
Yesterday, the day after he invited us to coffee, he told us he was just going to be home. He told his wife he was thinking about going down to Atlantic City (the casino). For me, going to a casino and throwing your money away ranks really at the bottom of what I want to do with my vacation. Really, there isn't much I can think of to compete to be the worst things you can do. But at least he wanted to do something besides sitting at home playing video games. (He is definitely not the read-books or gym-going or self-introspective type.) The story doesn't end there. The "wifey" looked at him puzzled and asked, "You are going without me?" That was enough to keep him home for the next five days. Is it sad? I don't know. Should I be grateful that I am not married? I don't know. But I sure am grateful I am not married to his wife.
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