Yesterday evening was another car-moving evening. No, it's not so bad anymore. I know where to park after Mondays, and before Monday I try to park on weekends when there are more spaces because people drive to do shopping. I think I understand why Queens is full of cars; the subways don't go everywhere, and the bus system sucks. So a lot of people keep a car, or two. It's really crazy trying to find a parking space. Even last night there weren't many left, and the van behind me took the last space on that street very far from "civilization"; that's because I went a little late.
One nice thing about going a few blocks away to find a parking space is that I get to walk through my neighborhood. I really haven't found the time to scout out places in the area. I haven't found a coffee shop yet. But I am sure there is one. What I really like about walking in the northern part of my neighborhood, which is where I live, is the tunnel of tall trees. I don't know what kind of trees they are. They are majestic. They line the streets of the section called Sunnyside Gardens. The trees form a tunnel above you, and behind them stand the two-story townhouses that make you forget about the big co-op buildings and the busy commercial streets just a block away.
The townhouses all have little gardens in front of them. I almost feel like I am back in New Haven, peaceful, and the families that come out to play, the kids, the smiles, add even greater serenity. I forget about the dramas, I forget about the unnecessary expenditure of emotional energy. There are roses and other blooming flowers that wave at me as I pass by. By that time twilight was having trouble getting through the tunnel of trees to illuminate the beautiful houses.
After crossing Skillman there's a Korean church that comes with a school for the youngins. And across from it is a Catholic church, or maybe it's not Catholic, just that its color and style remind me of the big orange Catholic church in New Haven, close to where I first lived when I moved there. Now I was no longer in the tunnel of trees, but still, this northern side is quiet. Soon I would reach my building and soon I have to be doing something else, outside these serene thoughts.
More and more I realize I need to really reconnect with myself. Forget about connecting with others because I am less and less capable of doing so. Looking back at my frustration with the girl that was supposed to stay over, looking back at all the much more serious dramas before that, I realized I have been asking a lot just because I have left little for myself. And each episode of drama simply results in a net drain from me. This is in contrast to friends who give me an overwhelming net gain in love, in energy. I keep forgetting my goal to keep away from romance and make friends. I do it OK sometimes, but when I find myself being frustrated, I know I haven't been seeking a friendship. So I am reminding myself now. I went dancing last night. I saw the teacher that I had a mad crush on. When I saw her, of course, I was happy. But I also realized, as if I was looking directly into the bottom of my soul, that I had nothing to offer her. It was the same feeling when I danced with even the best dancer; I felt I had nothing to offer. I felt so empty. I felt I was just doing things alone, totally disconnected from the person I was with. So of course I was happy to see those big brown eyes, to hear that serene voice. But I realized she and I would be friends in the foreseeable future. That we won't have any drama, which is good. She wrote me an email just before I left the house, telling me about her distress over the loss of a friend who died yesterday. At that point I realized how nice it would be to have her as a friend. I told her earlier that she was my first "real friend" in New York.
Speaking of "real friend", my first real friend I made in New York is visiting this weekend, visiting the city, not me, in particular. She and I clicked, because of our background, because of a connection I can't describe. At some point, I accepted her friendship, I didn't think more about the possibility of something different. So now, same with this teacher. I have been telling her about my difficulty with tango, and she didn't criticize me for being wishy-washy. It's strange how she and I have been building a friendship on email. I only see her on Wednesdays, and you don't talk very much at milongas. When I saw her, like I said, I was happy. And my belief that we will be great friends deepened when we hugged. She had lost a good friend to illness and I gave her the best hug I have given to a New Yorker, as a new good friend of hers. From that embrace, I was even happier that she and I would be even better friends.
I have been consumed by the desire to have a woman in my life. It has burned away a lot of my love. I had none of that kind of love left for anyone beyond myself. And to try to look for another woman would simply burn off whatever there is left, and I might become just some cynical, sadistic misogynist. Shortly giving this beautiful hug to this girl I liked really a lot, I saw the girl that by then had moved out of my apartment. She was nervous seeing me. I could see sadness and defiance in her eyes. I looked at her and I didn't feel like putting up my wall. I realized by then that I also want her to be my friend. My life is simply easier if I have her and all the new people I meet as my friend. I gave her a hug, a good one, not the kind you would feel if you have a wall between. I apologized for my impatience, my control-freak behavior. And of course, we danced.
I regret that we had to go through this short but still unnecessary episode. But I don't regret having done my part. Not because I am proud of it, but because sometimes when reason has gone out the window, the only way to resolve a problem is to do what you do, even if it's wrong. Because if you refrain from doing everything you think might be wrong, you end up just exploding in the end. In the long run, the small wrongs don't matter much. I am on the train now to meet up with her to have gelato at a new place I want to try. The bad frustration for both of us that night is now a bad dream drifting away. She and I might still not connect, but there is no need for drama. I feel guilty that sometimes my friends, or potential friends, have to go through drama with me as I grow and mature, as I stumble sometimes. But the true friends always stick with me in the end. If you think I have a lot of drama now, imagine all of it, multiply a few times, and apply it to my best friend. She's still my best friend. We still haven't talked for a month now, but that's got nothing do with our love. And she's the one who tells me recently that I shouldn't feel guilty about what I have done and feel bad about who I am. She even apologized to me that like other people she too have been selfish, she too have taken advantage of my generosity. I was touched.
I hope to remember to be friends with people, for now. For now when I need healing, when I need others to help me heal. A romantic relationship, especially a forced one, would just stab me deeper and more frequently. I will let that come to me when I am ready. For now, I need my friends. It's not easy. After all, I am a man, and I would like to show love and get love in that physical way I can't do in any other kinds of connections. And I realize more and more that as a man, I also get jealous of other man when they get what I have been begging from life all these years. And that somehow translates to self-confidence as a man. Logically, all this would stop being a huge deal once I find peace and love inside me, once I am more connected with myself. But as my sister pointed out, I am impatient. I need instant gratification of winning what I want.
One step at a time. I am making new friends.
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