Morning Thoughts

Little kids sit listlessly on this early morning among the giants who have business to take care of, businesses the little creatures aren't aware of and do not care to understand. They "stand out" because they are so small, almost hidden from view sitting in their seats often given up by kind giants. I saw one kid today in the bus, looking into some distance. He had these long straight dark hair that nearly reached over his entire shoulder blades. Next to him was his custodian of some sort; sister or mother, I can't tell these days. She isn't paying attention to him, didn't notice his wandering mind in the infinity of distance.

I managed to get to the Harlem station early this time, having caught the previous train only five minutes earlier. That makes a difference because I caught the buses that left right when I surfaced, and that in turn, got me to the station early, and will get me to work twenty minutes earlier than I did on Monday when I missed the train I caught today. Such is the strangeness of a life with schedules.

And what a life with complicated schedules. The house situation is driving me crazy. I am still struggling with the tenant search for the first floor, and then the headaches of preparing for the sale of the house (not even talking about the actual selling of the house!). I wonder if there's some other way to deal with this. Some zen way. Meditation? Reconnection with myself? I met up briefly in the train with the French girl who was going back to the City to pick up a few things (!), and I just blew up on her. I felt bad; I was surprised how stressed this house situation had been for me. But partially at her expense, I guess, I felt better afterward. I went to kung fu and I felt even better after that, though I left my uniform there on my rush to the land of castles.

And in the land of castles I met with the unofficial sister of the princess, who just returned from a summer in her homeland of Israel. I listened to their occasional Hebrew. I wondered if I will ever find myself in a foreign country with everyone speaking that language, especially when the pianist told us how she had always wanted to start a music department in her parents' city of Haifa.

But where am I going with this? Is she my girlfriend? The situation hasn't changed since the last blog entry. I still wonder if we aren't closer being friends than being lovers. I should talk to her about this. It's not what I want, but I also want to be patient and give room. Otherwise we get along well. She showed a lot of enthusiasm in seeing me, in expressing her desire to see me yesterday. I felt very happy being wanted. After her Israeli friend left, we danced a couple of pandas. Wednesdays we usually go to that milonga, but last night we wanted to see each other.

But in the back of my head, I wondered, why? Why did I want to see her? Why she wanted to see me? For the pure and simple desire for company. That's what she said, "I would love your company." What does it mean, "company"? Her friend was also offering her company. How was I different? That I share a bed with her. That I try to kiss her. But she refuses.

The night before I didn't see her. But instead, I met up with another pianist, who apparently, coincidentally, of course, dating some Chinese man (though not as cool as me since he was a recent addition to the country). They had been together only three months before she got him to go to Switzerland to meet her friends and parents over the summer. And she left home for the summer, she was telling me she was going to Boston every weekend. I had thought they had been together for a while for such serious commitment. But sometimes three months is all you need to want to be with someone for real, for serious. I wonder what baggage she carries that wasn't enough to prevent her from building something so fast and serious. Or perhaps, the baggage was what propelled her into this relationship. We didn't talk much about her life, which was quite complicated, especially the past ten years she had lived in New York. We talked more about philosophy, the yin-yang of life. I miss talking philosophy, actually. Most people shy away from it. I never understood why.

But still, listening to her talk about her current relationship, I wonder where I was. I think I have the right to worry, just a little, about the slow, slow pace of this relationship. I feel like I'm back in high school, or junior high. The kiss comes a certain number of months later. Except that it came in a tidal wave of passion the first weekend. Suddenly it faded into the junior-high stage. Strange.