Sanity Revisited

I realized something that has been happening to me, and I realized I am not insane.

But since I didn't realize it, perhaps I can't blame them for not realizing it either. Then again, that doesn't help me forgive them.

I asked one of my closest friends if I am crazy to think like this. She said no.

Here's a man who has been made to feel unwanted for a year by a woman with whom he was on and off intimate. Then she finally said no, 99% no, until one day she started seeing some guy and it became finally 100% no.

This isn't an unusual story even if it's not a nice story.

But what's unusual is that I have to see these two people every weekend I go dancing. Has this ever happened to you? Has this ever happened to anyone you know? You have to see the person who rejected you, and then the person who took what you thought you would have for a year, and see them together, dancing. Dancing at the beginning and dancing at the end. And talking, right in front of you like you don't exist.

And you have to bear with this every week in a place in which you used to feel safe and relaxed, and they knew it. They knew this and they still made a decision to put me in that situation, or else I leave my friends I see on Sunday nights.

And sometimes Fridays, when I thought I was safe.

The last time this happened on a Friday was the previous time I told her I didn't want to see her again. She thought the reason for my behavior was the girl from Missouri. How naïve can you be to think that I can put up with seeing those two in front of me. That Friday I was so angry I even spilled my anger on one of my best friends.

Until today, I thought I was being irrational. I thought I was childish and hypersensitive.

But no. Not many people, no one I know, has the fortune of going to do his favorite activity where he has to see the two people who claim they care about him but instead remind him of his humiliation and pain. Unlike life outside tango, in tango you don't have many choices on where to go. If I have to go somewhere else I mind as well stop tango.

In other people's lives, when things don't work out romantically, they don't see each other because someone moves, out of the zip code, out of the city, out of the time zone. In my case, she is actually moving into my city, so I get to see the two of them even more in September.

Am I crazy to think I am in a unique situation?

No, my friend said. She said despite my reaction, I have been pretty mature. I guess most people would just leave the milonga at the sight of two people who remind them of the rejection and replacement. I love tango too much. But not enough that I can dance well. That Friday, and this Sunday, I couldn't concentrate. I was nauseous from anger and humiliation.

So I am not crazy. But it doesn't mean what they did was unnatural. It would be weird if they avoided the places I go to for me, especially since the guy organizes the Sunday milonga! All I say is that I have somehow found myself in a very unique situation.

But then there were the smiles. Smiles from my friend visiting from out of town that I get to see only once every few months. Smiles from my New York buddies who don't know anything about the drama with the three of us. Smiles that replace my sullen face the whole time. Smiles that made me believe I can overcome this, I can forget about them, and even forgive them for their insensitivity and tactlessness.

But to be realistic, it's hard to believe I can forgive them for doing this to me. But I need to do so for myself. My friend, who agrees I am not crazy, reminded me that whatever I do it had to be something good for me. That might mean refraining from tango so I don't have to subject myself to their presence. Whatever it takes to take care of myself.

And that included what I had decided to do with her. It's too easy to be angry with her and pretend she's invisible, and by doing so I just feel sad about us and jump back into trying to be close to her, only to be humiliated again. The simplest thing is to be nice to her so I don't let drama get in the way. Be cordial and polite, but nothing more. Treat her like a human being and not an invisible point of hatred. And leave it at that. No more sentimentality when our favorite songs come up. That sentimentality lives in the past and can only cause trouble in the future. She has the right to throw away everything we built, and the worst thing I can do for myself is to pick up those jettison and cradle them in the present.

She is spending undoubtedly her last few days with him before he goes off to some work and she back to France. How do I know that? The more important thing is I shouldn't have found out about that. I shouldn't do things that make me sad. To remind me of the humiliation. It's bad enough that they humiliate me; it's my fault if I allow myself to be humiliated.

Stand tall and walk forward. Be with people who love you for real. That's what my friend reminded me again in our brief conversation. I hope to see my other friend visiting from out of town tomorrow. Her smile has always made me feel good. She's my first tango friend from New York (though not the first who still lives in New York). She is one of the people who remind me that the world is bigger than my dramas lead me to believe, that I am bigger. The humiliation and pain, too, shall pass.