What it means to want someone

Sometimes when I find myself asking simple questions I wonder how deep a hole I have dug myself in life to make it so complicated.

What does it mean to want someone?

If I find a woman attractive, I want to date her, call her my girlfriend, why? And if she refuses, I get all upset and don't want to have anything to do with her, the question begs again: why?

This girl is helping me with decorating my apartment. She is also going beyond any obligation to help me get this desk up to my apartment. Yes, I bought a desk that doesn't fit inside the elevator and unlikely to fit through the apartment door. She is determined to make that happen. We also spend a lot of time together talking. Going to places. I am introducing her to the New York City tango scene. Why can't I just enjoy what is happening?

See, the answer to my simple question isn't easy to reach, not just me, I don't think. I think the answer has to do with a desire to be affirmed that I am good enough of a man. When a woman says no, then I question myself. Maybe there's something missing in the manliness part of me. I start to doubt myself. I start to play games to change the answer to a "Yes" because I have given up hopes that being myself would ever produce a "Yes."

Of course, in attraction, there's also the biological part to it. But then again, what I want isn't just to sleep with the girl I like and that's it. I attach a lot of fantasies to the realization of a "Yes" answer. Fantasies of us being together, making daily decisions, etc. That is a clear sign that I am not just looking to conquer her body.

These are my dreamy thoughts and I must go to bed so I can get up early to drive down to New Haven for my art friend's graduation.