I spent more than three hours with my Dad last night assembling two IKEA pieces. I was grateful to have a person who despite his age would come help me no matter what. I hope I can be like him, to my children as well as to my friends. If I am indeed the generous and loving person some of my closest friends say I am, I owe most of that development to my Dad.
I am not trying to compare my Dad to a dog, but my friend's departed dog offered her something similar in the past thirteen years: unconditional love. There is no drama, no ultimatums, no criteria. There's playfulness. There's sullenness too. Sadness. But everything is simple. Someone had once said I was simple, in a good way, not making things complicated. She didn't know me that well, but then again, I hope with all my cynicism and pessimism I haven't become too "complicated".
While assembling the two heavy and complicated pieces with my Dad, I caught myself every now and then thinking about the drama I am slowly moving out of now. I caught myself thinking about the close proximity to the man who has what I have wanted for a year from that woman. The anger surged, and I was surprised, caught off-guard. But these moments are happening less frequently now. I am only regretful that these moments took pleasure away from enjoying my Dad's presence. He bought me food from Chinatown so we could have a quick dinner. He was simple. He doesn't care about fashion. He doesn't care what people thought of him. Maybe he isn't aware. For too long now I let people pressure me on what I should do instead of helping me see what I want to do.
My friend who had lost her dog is doing better now. I call her everyday at least once to check on her. She told me today after we went to sushi in our former home city how terrible it was to live alone after having constant company for thirteen years. Part of me wanted to tell her, oh, but here's your opportunity to discover yourself, to meet new people, to do as you please. But the rest of me knew better. Those are stupid and insensitive things to say to someone who is feeling hurt from the loss of a companion, a constant companion who never asked for anything back except just pure love. I realize I can't ask this from any of my friends, not even the closest ones. Human beings have grown up to set walls often they aren't even aware of.
For this friend who is dreading this new life in worse ways I am dreading mine, I must commend her for her bravery. The NPR podcast I was listening to today was about this Libyan American professor who left his family and students to join the revolution in Libya, which has no clear future. He said in the interview that courage wasn't something special to certain people, that anyone is capable of courage. I thought about the people who I felt was too much of a coward to connect with me. I thought they were brave at some point because courage is something I look up to. And then I thought about this new friend of mine. She always seemed shy, her laughter bothered me mostly because it sounded like a shy, cowardly laugh. Her eyes recede deep from her forehead, making her look as if she was hiding. And yet, now, I see, through her upbeat humor, her jokes, her laughter that really isn't cowardice at all, how brave she is by simply standing up with tons of weight of her anguish trying to drag her back down. I have spent so long complaining about how miserable life is when such and such woman is too blind to see how great we could be together. Crying over relationship that never existed, while this woman is laughing (and crying a lot) for a thirteen-year old relationship that was more pure than just about any relationship out there. How does she sleep? She doesn't, but at least she is still sane. How does she not cry? She does, a lot, but she rises back up with smiles.
I asked a friend from Montreal once how she keeps such a great smile all the time, how she manages to be in such upbeat mood just about every time I saw her. She simply said she surrounded herself with people like that, with great energy, optimism, and love. From then on I tried to remember to do the same. And to be part of this circle for my any of my friends. Life is truly too short and too exciting to be wasted on people who can't make you laugh, who drag you into the darkness. And even though this new friend of mine is at a point lower than any I remember experiencing, she manages to make me laugh, make me think, make me be hopeful. I hope I can help her keep standing up, against the odds.
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