Scheming

I have started to strategize already. It is my fourth day into work and on this already familiar train ride, I am scheming. How do I be at work more than the minimal required hours and still have a life. I am not sure if it's just smart thinking or a desperate reaction to a new and unfamiliar life.

Even before today, perhaps even two days ago, I have thought about my Sunday milonga. How would I squeeze that in and still be functional Monday morning? If it weren't such a good milonga, I wouldn't care. But it's my favorite.

The sun still hasn't risen. Yesterday I thought it had already risen before I even got on the train, but now, only halfway to work on the train, I don't see it. But rather, I see the clouds that hadn't been there the past three days. I heard that snow was coming, again.

Within the span of less than four days many things have changed. I have gotten to know more about work, what I would be doing, a little more about the finance structure of the firm that necessitates my help, and that would help me grow. I also got to know more about where things are in the building, like the locations of fridges and microwaves. I have even talked to some coworkers, getting to know a tiny bit about their lives. I am curious, but also the more I know, the better I can, well, scheme.

Changes are all around. Weather is just one of them. And not all are good or bad. Changes in how I fit in the new job. And these changes seem only major now, but I imagine after a few months they pale in comparison to whatever would await me in this period. But already, these changes worry me. Worry me about my relationship with tango, with my friends here, and the friends that I may or may not get to make once I move to New York. And that will be a mammoth change, moving to New York, from which the commute will take even longer.

Last night I did't really have dinner. I had grapes and a paddy of ground beef I prepared two days ago. I wonder when I will have a chance to cook when sleep is already threatened. My first weekend since this new job started begins tomorrow, and I wonder how tired I will be by then. All this complaint and worry is from a week that hasn't seen any actual work done; I have only been getting to know the place, haven't really burned any brain cells yet. The manager has given me the impression that there's a lot of stress in this group because it is basically IT support for another group that watches over the traders. While we aren't just phone support people, but rather programmers most of the time, our priority remains answering questions, big or small, serious or imbecilic, from the group that we support. It will put my personality to the test, keeping cool, not taking anything personal.

There have been few moments when I wonder if I did the right thing. Surely I didn't want to stay at the University anymore. There was nothing more for me to learn that I wanted to learn. And there is not much left in this little city that I want to keep, besides the handful of friendships. Nevertheless, while leaving is the right decision, rightfulness of entering this field, this corporation, is not as clear. As I was rushing to the small train station, I wondered if there was anything else I would have wanted to do, wanted to start before my own self-imposed deadline of leaving the city by my birthday in May. There are great things I want to do for my life, but I don't feel ready for them yet, whether because they really aren't ready for me yet, or I am merely a coward, I don't know.

And there, waiting for the train in the frigid waiting area of the tiny station, I poured over the train schedule, scheming, trying to squeeze out every minute I can for work and for rest and for enjoyment. I seriously miss dancing tango, although the reason for not dancing as much as I want is not due to this work, but rather that in this little town tango is dying. Still, that means I am itching to go to New York, more than just for Sunday, to dance. Do I have the energy?

In the train I overheard a man talking about his various houses, the need for repair for one of them that he was about to sell. Sounds so grownup, sounds so boring, too. I don't want to own anything. I want this year to be simpler, and one way is to own less. The more I have, the more cluttered my world becomes, and the less obvious where the path of peace is. I feel like I am in the woods somewhere, not sure how I got here, and definitely not sure where the path is and when I have left it. All I see is clutter around me. Every tree looks the same. And I am trying to scheme a way not to chop down some trees and pave a new path, but to make adjustments in order to walk more comfortably in the shorten, not necessarily with any aim.

If I can keep remembering to make my life less cluttered, simpler, perhaps the answers will come to me, without me scheming so much.