The little girl I visited this weekend, Evi's godchild, suffers from congenital muscular dystrophy. She was born with dysfunctional muscles, all of them, from the ones she can control, like the ones on her arms, to the ones she can't, like stomach. And of course, there's also the diaphragm that you can sort of control. She was born unable to breathe because the diaphragm did not work enough to catch the first breath. She was attached to a machine for months.
I wonder how parents deal with their children born with enormous challenges, for the children as well as for the parents. This little girl's parents work full time outside their full time job to keep her alive and afford her the best care possible. While her muscles are improving, they will soon begin to deteriorate inexorably. I am not only thinking about the value of life, but also about being a parent. I see my nephew running around being unruly or uncontrollable, at least for me, not sure about the his parents. And I see that at least he's a normal child with normal challenges for parents and for himself.
I watched the little girl swing her little arms and legs. She started to smile, a behavior requiring facial muscular movement. She will have trouble speaking, and learning to speak. There is a tube attached to her trachea as if she was some patient suffering from lung disease after a life-time of smoking. She was still a little child, having spent first half her life so far in the hospital. I looked at the mother, and I saw no room left for grief or worry, just constant flow of tasks to keep her baby alive and in the best condition possible. What does it mean to be a parent? Is it really for the process? Or is it also for hopes and goals, goals of bringing a human being into a normal, fruitful life. Perhaps, not normal.
That was the preoccupation of my weekend in New Haven. And they were also seeds of thoughts. I haven't really let them grow into anything concrete. It was also a long weekend spent with Evi, nurturing that sapling called our relationship, building a connection that is just starting. The exception was a couple of hours in my old tango haunt, the place here I spent most of my Sunday evenings until I started driving down to New York City to dance that day of the week. Most faces were new but a few ghosts stubbornly clung to the tree of time. But there were really just two friends, one was the Indian man I had mentioned a few times, the man who stopped talking to me because I dated his ex-girlfriend without telling him. The other was a woman I went to Montreal once in her car; we also went often to New York City to dance. I caught up with both of them for a bit. I sat most of the time on those familiar steps that divided the dance section from the section where food and water was available and people gathered. I was the one who baked goods and wowed people for a few years. I was the one sitting there being too afraid to ask a better dancer to dance with me. I was somewhere around being upset amidst some drama with some tango dancer. I was everywhere in so many moments of those five years of dancing in this hall.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
A Brief Return
I just missed the diesel train. I haven't been on that diesel train for nearly a year. Ten months. Since April. The diesel train between Stamford and Old Saybrook, passing by my Pink House. It's the train I took to work and sometimes back from work when I was still living in New Haven. I started taking that train, going on that route, after starting my transition toward New York.
I remember writing my blog on the way home, passing Bridgeport, watching the cars whose existence was indicated only by their taillights. There is the big factory with tall chimneys that bellowed out white clouds in the chilly morning sky. Now, as I pass them by, they are quiet giants falling into sleep along with the sky. A drop of nostalgia, perhaps? But I don't miss that commute, and I don't miss the town I had stayed in for so long. It was never a "home"; it was more like a Hotel California, a temporary place that you can get stuck in permanently, a middle point that can become the end point. There are memories in that Hotel California, memories that shaped my journey, but there's nothing to return to. Not like New York, which is at once forever changing and forever the same.
Now I am looking for a job again. Another move closer to New York. I moved my home to New York, but the job was stuck halfway. I am going through the whole recruiting process again, trying to show off how smart I am while discovering where my limitations are, and in those limitations I learn where I want to go next. It's been more than a year since I was going through my first job application in nearly nine years. Now looking back, that one year in this job, compressed, seems so brief and short. But like New Haven, it is just a stop, and a stop I refused to allow to extend further. That is why I am searching for another job. It's because, yes, I am tired of the commute. But also, there's a strong desire for motion after nearly nine years of stagnation. New York was going to be an endpoint, but then life opens finally the door of romance to me and now I don't know how long I will be in New York. I don't feel that obsessive attachment to it that would make me feel sad to leave. But the feeling of constant motion is made even stronger now that I am not sure how long I will be in the place I didn't think was another Hotel California, but a home.
The recruiters are interesting. I never saw them in this way before. What I mean is, somehow with some deeper sagacity, I can see how their words and persuasions are tailored with one goal in common: getting me a job so they get their commission from the hiring firm. They won't declare this intention, of course, but they never sugarcoated anything to make themselves sound like they are doing me a favor. The less experienced ones just want to throw me as many opportunities as possible, even if they are not so relevant. I have learned to set limits, be assertive in what I want and not tolerate compromises. There are the more experienced recruiters who is more discerning of what I can do and where I would fit, and they try to get me the right jobs while doing their best to convince me to follow their path.
I am likely to get two offers soon. Already the HR managers of the two companies have spoken to me about compensation. I am learning the art of negotiating, if just a little bit. A year ago I was willing to settle for whatever that would help me get out of New Haven and get a pay raise. Now I want to be more discerning myself. When I listen to recruiters speak, to HR people speak, to interviewers speak, I hear more than just the words they utter; I start to see their intentions, understand their private motives, and then, hopefully, I have a better idea how I should go about getting my own goals. In that way, perhaps, I have grown up a little bit this past year. And I see my own limitations, I sense them. I don't mean the technical limitations. I mean personalities that impede me from getting the best offer in the best place. Worries, ego, uncertainty, self-esteem.
But what is the best offer, the best place to work. The two places that are ready to give me an offer are on diametric ends of many spectra. A bank that would offer more money but has had a worsening reputation for the past many years. A young company with young developers that are serious about building software for educating school children. But it's not so simple, as I am learning more. Nothing is so black and white. The bad bank is so large that it's difficult to judge any part of it for the misdeeds of a few sections. The young company is young also in a bad way, or possibly, like poor management, unrealistic about compensation, chaos. Besides all this, I don't really know what I want, and am afraid to do what I had done in the past: pick something and go with the flow. This is likely my last job in this country and after that I will be away for some indefinite amount of time. I feel I need to be careful what I choose, not only for current aims but for later, for starting a family, in terms of salary, skill set building, and other factors about my career.
I guess I need to write down the pros a
And so fast, this year has indeed flown by. I wonder what the next year will be….
I remember writing my blog on the way home, passing Bridgeport, watching the cars whose existence was indicated only by their taillights. There is the big factory with tall chimneys that bellowed out white clouds in the chilly morning sky. Now, as I pass them by, they are quiet giants falling into sleep along with the sky. A drop of nostalgia, perhaps? But I don't miss that commute, and I don't miss the town I had stayed in for so long. It was never a "home"; it was more like a Hotel California, a temporary place that you can get stuck in permanently, a middle point that can become the end point. There are memories in that Hotel California, memories that shaped my journey, but there's nothing to return to. Not like New York, which is at once forever changing and forever the same.
Now I am looking for a job again. Another move closer to New York. I moved my home to New York, but the job was stuck halfway. I am going through the whole recruiting process again, trying to show off how smart I am while discovering where my limitations are, and in those limitations I learn where I want to go next. It's been more than a year since I was going through my first job application in nearly nine years. Now looking back, that one year in this job, compressed, seems so brief and short. But like New Haven, it is just a stop, and a stop I refused to allow to extend further. That is why I am searching for another job. It's because, yes, I am tired of the commute. But also, there's a strong desire for motion after nearly nine years of stagnation. New York was going to be an endpoint, but then life opens finally the door of romance to me and now I don't know how long I will be in New York. I don't feel that obsessive attachment to it that would make me feel sad to leave. But the feeling of constant motion is made even stronger now that I am not sure how long I will be in the place I didn't think was another Hotel California, but a home.
The recruiters are interesting. I never saw them in this way before. What I mean is, somehow with some deeper sagacity, I can see how their words and persuasions are tailored with one goal in common: getting me a job so they get their commission from the hiring firm. They won't declare this intention, of course, but they never sugarcoated anything to make themselves sound like they are doing me a favor. The less experienced ones just want to throw me as many opportunities as possible, even if they are not so relevant. I have learned to set limits, be assertive in what I want and not tolerate compromises. There are the more experienced recruiters who is more discerning of what I can do and where I would fit, and they try to get me the right jobs while doing their best to convince me to follow their path.
I am likely to get two offers soon. Already the HR managers of the two companies have spoken to me about compensation. I am learning the art of negotiating, if just a little bit. A year ago I was willing to settle for whatever that would help me get out of New Haven and get a pay raise. Now I want to be more discerning myself. When I listen to recruiters speak, to HR people speak, to interviewers speak, I hear more than just the words they utter; I start to see their intentions, understand their private motives, and then, hopefully, I have a better idea how I should go about getting my own goals. In that way, perhaps, I have grown up a little bit this past year. And I see my own limitations, I sense them. I don't mean the technical limitations. I mean personalities that impede me from getting the best offer in the best place. Worries, ego, uncertainty, self-esteem.
But what is the best offer, the best place to work. The two places that are ready to give me an offer are on diametric ends of many spectra. A bank that would offer more money but has had a worsening reputation for the past many years. A young company with young developers that are serious about building software for educating school children. But it's not so simple, as I am learning more. Nothing is so black and white. The bad bank is so large that it's difficult to judge any part of it for the misdeeds of a few sections. The young company is young also in a bad way, or possibly, like poor management, unrealistic about compensation, chaos. Besides all this, I don't really know what I want, and am afraid to do what I had done in the past: pick something and go with the flow. This is likely my last job in this country and after that I will be away for some indefinite amount of time. I feel I need to be careful what I choose, not only for current aims but for later, for starting a family, in terms of salary, skill set building, and other factors about my career.
I guess I need to write down the pros a
And so fast, this year has indeed flown by. I wonder what the next year will be….
Monday, January 2, 2012
End of Vacation
Two weeks away, now, a new year starts. Last year I returned to the US on Christmas Day from Buenos Aires. This year, on New Year's Day. Is the flight cheaper, is that why the coincidence?
I wonder what is going on with the Swiss pianist. She seems to be going through a tough time, based on what she says in her latest poem. I am worried, but I guess this is a battle I can't help her in while I am still an "outsider".
Last night walking in Madrid I realized that despite having been here twice before, and that the first time I was here for actually a whole week, studying Spanish, despite all this, I didn't know the city so well, not even the touristy places. I had to ask people who currently live here where to go for the little narrow streets, an image not from my previous experience in Madrid, but more because I assume all old European cities had such a thing. Walking around last night I did remember many things, the Royal Palace whose picture with coffee tables in the foreground is found on one of my photographs in the New Haven kitchen, the Plaza Mayor that I always seemed drawn to, and other touristy places. But not only touristy places; I recall this entrance to an underground parking garage, for some reason, and the hotel next to it brazenly advertising "Do you want to sleep with me?" in English. It's not a weird hotel, but in fact a very chic looking one. I also recognized the movie theater where I met up with a Spanish woman to see one of the most disturbing movies in English, "Dogville". It was obviously not a date. I remember what she looks like, sort of, dark eyebrows, very beautiful smile. But I can't remember where I met her from. She and this sort-of boyfriend came to New York once and I remember showing them around before running for a train back to New Haven. Still, for the life of me, I can't remember how I got to know them or what her name was, even.
Funny how I remember little things, like the Spanish word "Empresa", meaning "company" or "firm", this word I learned from this Spaniard because she was explaining to me what she did. She and that same sort-of boyfriend invited me to some restaurant at the top of the ubiquitous department store, El Corte Inglés. I remember these things. I can't, however, remember her name.
I didn't recognize much of anything else in my late night walk in the quiet streets. Most streets were quiet because people were in their homes celebrating New Year's Eve with their families. It's more like Thanksgiving than the party mode North Americans are familiar with. Of course, after they do their countdown with the family they go out and party until the sun rises. But before that, the streets are empty. Empty except those in the touristy areas; there you hear a lot of Italian and Portuguese. Of course, I heard a lot of other languages too because the first place I "landed" was Lavapiés, the immigrant neighborhood. I walked down a street lined with Bangladeshi and Turkish shops, and the people on the street were mostly Africans. I hardly heard any Spanish walking there, or for the most part, walking that night.
I didn't know how I felt about Madrid. When I was in Buenos Aires, or in Paris, I felt in love. And it wasn't because Buenos Aires was new to me, or that Paris has its reputation. Sometimes you just bond with someone, or some place. I didn't feel very bonded to Madrid. I don't know why. The streets are cute, the buildings were beautiful and interesting. I can't remember if I felt more bonded in the past visits. If not, then perhaps that explains why I can't recall much.
However, I was impressed by the huge presence of immigrants. I remember visiting the old Atocha train station and chalked up a conversation in Spanish with this man. Was he from ex-Yugoslavia? Slovakia? I ended up giving him 10 euros and my address that he asked for so he would pay me back. I didn't expect he would pay me back, and I never did get it back. Still, I remember him and many others that were not from the country. That was my first time in Madrid; it was between Christmas and New Year's. That time I also spent New Year's in Madrid, doing the touristy thing of joining a crowd of thousands in Plaza del Sol for the New Year's countdown. I remember that. I remember the roasted chestnuts I got from one of the many stands found in just about every corner.
And I wonder what I will remember from this brief visit. I am afraid I will remember the circumstances surrounding my visit more than the visit itself. I left Tenerife with a heavy heart because of a poem the Swiss pianist sent me. I thought it meant she had decided and I believed her decision was to stay with her boyfriend. I couldn't focus on much after that poem. My farewell with my Spanish family was very much distracted by my preoccupation with the poem. I wanted to be alone and could hardly muster the attention for the farewell. I didn't even realize the little girl, Marifrancis' niece, wasn't there to say goodbye until I was already in the airport. Of course, my best friend tried to pay attention to me. But in the end, I wanted to be alone. Get on the plane to Madrid and be alone. Before I left for my night walk in Madrid I got a text from the Swiss pianist that she has still yet to make any decision and begged me for patience.
That was the context in which I visited Madrid. It was good to know she hadn't made a decision, so my old year didn't end with such a sour note, and neither did the new year start in this way. What I will remember for sure about my walk is how I celebrated the New Year's arrival. I walked to Chueca, the gay area. And yes there were plenty of male couples, hands held, walking around like any other couple, nothing eccentric, nothing to show off, as I often find in, say, Greenwich Village. I went there because people told me there's night life there, and I was advised to just go to a bar and celebrate New Year's there. So I walked around that neighborhood and settled for this tiny bar that seemed very traditional. It wasn't a party scene, which I saw in other places. There were plenty of restaurants and bars open for the New Year's Eve despite what I said earlier about the local customs regarding New Year's Eve. But I picked this little bar and I got myself a local beer and some fried calamari. There I chalked up a conversation with this American who lives in South Florida. He was a character. He was very secretous about what he did, or for that matter, what his son did. He said he was on a layover from Riga (Latvia) to Florida, but when I asked him what his son did, his answer was "He does very well what he does." Then later he would say he knew a lot of famous people, like Lady Gaga, Donald Trump, Madonna, and an actor whose film he didn't like but he wouldn't divulge his name because he works with him. He asked me if I was working for Donald or Gaga; I thought he was joking but apparently he had had spies follow him before, sent by the very people he worked with. Maybe it was still a joke, but his secretous air made it not so funny. I just thought he was crazy. And if he is really such an important person, I should stay out of his way, especially after he started talking about how there are more banks in Panama than in Switzerland and many of these banks were funded by money laundering from the drug cartels down south in Colombia.
I did my 12-grape eating countdown to the New Year, as it is customary in Spain. My grapes were in a ziplock bag provided by Marifrancis' family. It was not trivial to dig inside the bag to retrieve the grapes, more difficult than eating one per second for twelve seconds that mark the 12 months to come. Perhaps I will be lucky as a result. My first month is already quite lucky. (More of that in the next entry.)
I did not want to dolly much longer; the weird company was reaching the end of its interestingness and I wanted to catch the metro back to the hotel. So I walked through Chueca and soon found myself in the Madrid metro system again. It was a special night in that I made it. Since I left home I have spent most New Year's alone. This night I was in some ways alone because my friends were far away, but at the same time, I had this weird company. I also thought about the times I did have my friends with me. Two new year's eves with my Swiss girlfriend, first time in Vienna, then in Cairo. There was the New Year's Eve with Rose in China; I remember upsetting her by calling Marifrancis from China. I can't remember now if I spent other New Year's Eves with someone after my independence from my parents. I suppose in college, once? That seems too long ago. When I was alone, I remember before I started traveling over New Year's Eve (alone) I would spend the evening alone in my apartment, recalling the old times, reading through old letters. This New Year's Eve I didn't do that, but I did when I returned to the US, unintentionally, started to go through the old emails from the first few years of my life in New Haven. There were contacts I had nearly forgotten. I finally found that Spanish woman's name, but her email was no longer valid so I couldn't contact her. There were others. So many faces, so short of a time. I can only wonder who else will be in my future. I can only wonder where I will be the next New Year's, and with whom, if any.
I wonder what is going on with the Swiss pianist. She seems to be going through a tough time, based on what she says in her latest poem. I am worried, but I guess this is a battle I can't help her in while I am still an "outsider".
Last night walking in Madrid I realized that despite having been here twice before, and that the first time I was here for actually a whole week, studying Spanish, despite all this, I didn't know the city so well, not even the touristy places. I had to ask people who currently live here where to go for the little narrow streets, an image not from my previous experience in Madrid, but more because I assume all old European cities had such a thing. Walking around last night I did remember many things, the Royal Palace whose picture with coffee tables in the foreground is found on one of my photographs in the New Haven kitchen, the Plaza Mayor that I always seemed drawn to, and other touristy places. But not only touristy places; I recall this entrance to an underground parking garage, for some reason, and the hotel next to it brazenly advertising "Do you want to sleep with me?" in English. It's not a weird hotel, but in fact a very chic looking one. I also recognized the movie theater where I met up with a Spanish woman to see one of the most disturbing movies in English, "Dogville". It was obviously not a date. I remember what she looks like, sort of, dark eyebrows, very beautiful smile. But I can't remember where I met her from. She and this sort-of boyfriend came to New York once and I remember showing them around before running for a train back to New Haven. Still, for the life of me, I can't remember how I got to know them or what her name was, even.
Funny how I remember little things, like the Spanish word "Empresa", meaning "company" or "firm", this word I learned from this Spaniard because she was explaining to me what she did. She and that same sort-of boyfriend invited me to some restaurant at the top of the ubiquitous department store, El Corte Inglés. I remember these things. I can't, however, remember her name.
I didn't recognize much of anything else in my late night walk in the quiet streets. Most streets were quiet because people were in their homes celebrating New Year's Eve with their families. It's more like Thanksgiving than the party mode North Americans are familiar with. Of course, after they do their countdown with the family they go out and party until the sun rises. But before that, the streets are empty. Empty except those in the touristy areas; there you hear a lot of Italian and Portuguese. Of course, I heard a lot of other languages too because the first place I "landed" was Lavapiés, the immigrant neighborhood. I walked down a street lined with Bangladeshi and Turkish shops, and the people on the street were mostly Africans. I hardly heard any Spanish walking there, or for the most part, walking that night.
I didn't know how I felt about Madrid. When I was in Buenos Aires, or in Paris, I felt in love. And it wasn't because Buenos Aires was new to me, or that Paris has its reputation. Sometimes you just bond with someone, or some place. I didn't feel very bonded to Madrid. I don't know why. The streets are cute, the buildings were beautiful and interesting. I can't remember if I felt more bonded in the past visits. If not, then perhaps that explains why I can't recall much.
However, I was impressed by the huge presence of immigrants. I remember visiting the old Atocha train station and chalked up a conversation in Spanish with this man. Was he from ex-Yugoslavia? Slovakia? I ended up giving him 10 euros and my address that he asked for so he would pay me back. I didn't expect he would pay me back, and I never did get it back. Still, I remember him and many others that were not from the country. That was my first time in Madrid; it was between Christmas and New Year's. That time I also spent New Year's in Madrid, doing the touristy thing of joining a crowd of thousands in Plaza del Sol for the New Year's countdown. I remember that. I remember the roasted chestnuts I got from one of the many stands found in just about every corner.
And I wonder what I will remember from this brief visit. I am afraid I will remember the circumstances surrounding my visit more than the visit itself. I left Tenerife with a heavy heart because of a poem the Swiss pianist sent me. I thought it meant she had decided and I believed her decision was to stay with her boyfriend. I couldn't focus on much after that poem. My farewell with my Spanish family was very much distracted by my preoccupation with the poem. I wanted to be alone and could hardly muster the attention for the farewell. I didn't even realize the little girl, Marifrancis' niece, wasn't there to say goodbye until I was already in the airport. Of course, my best friend tried to pay attention to me. But in the end, I wanted to be alone. Get on the plane to Madrid and be alone. Before I left for my night walk in Madrid I got a text from the Swiss pianist that she has still yet to make any decision and begged me for patience.
That was the context in which I visited Madrid. It was good to know she hadn't made a decision, so my old year didn't end with such a sour note, and neither did the new year start in this way. What I will remember for sure about my walk is how I celebrated the New Year's arrival. I walked to Chueca, the gay area. And yes there were plenty of male couples, hands held, walking around like any other couple, nothing eccentric, nothing to show off, as I often find in, say, Greenwich Village. I went there because people told me there's night life there, and I was advised to just go to a bar and celebrate New Year's there. So I walked around that neighborhood and settled for this tiny bar that seemed very traditional. It wasn't a party scene, which I saw in other places. There were plenty of restaurants and bars open for the New Year's Eve despite what I said earlier about the local customs regarding New Year's Eve. But I picked this little bar and I got myself a local beer and some fried calamari. There I chalked up a conversation with this American who lives in South Florida. He was a character. He was very secretous about what he did, or for that matter, what his son did. He said he was on a layover from Riga (Latvia) to Florida, but when I asked him what his son did, his answer was "He does very well what he does." Then later he would say he knew a lot of famous people, like Lady Gaga, Donald Trump, Madonna, and an actor whose film he didn't like but he wouldn't divulge his name because he works with him. He asked me if I was working for Donald or Gaga; I thought he was joking but apparently he had had spies follow him before, sent by the very people he worked with. Maybe it was still a joke, but his secretous air made it not so funny. I just thought he was crazy. And if he is really such an important person, I should stay out of his way, especially after he started talking about how there are more banks in Panama than in Switzerland and many of these banks were funded by money laundering from the drug cartels down south in Colombia.
I did my 12-grape eating countdown to the New Year, as it is customary in Spain. My grapes were in a ziplock bag provided by Marifrancis' family. It was not trivial to dig inside the bag to retrieve the grapes, more difficult than eating one per second for twelve seconds that mark the 12 months to come. Perhaps I will be lucky as a result. My first month is already quite lucky. (More of that in the next entry.)
I did not want to dolly much longer; the weird company was reaching the end of its interestingness and I wanted to catch the metro back to the hotel. So I walked through Chueca and soon found myself in the Madrid metro system again. It was a special night in that I made it. Since I left home I have spent most New Year's alone. This night I was in some ways alone because my friends were far away, but at the same time, I had this weird company. I also thought about the times I did have my friends with me. Two new year's eves with my Swiss girlfriend, first time in Vienna, then in Cairo. There was the New Year's Eve with Rose in China; I remember upsetting her by calling Marifrancis from China. I can't remember now if I spent other New Year's Eves with someone after my independence from my parents. I suppose in college, once? That seems too long ago. When I was alone, I remember before I started traveling over New Year's Eve (alone) I would spend the evening alone in my apartment, recalling the old times, reading through old letters. This New Year's Eve I didn't do that, but I did when I returned to the US, unintentionally, started to go through the old emails from the first few years of my life in New Haven. There were contacts I had nearly forgotten. I finally found that Spanish woman's name, but her email was no longer valid so I couldn't contact her. There were others. So many faces, so short of a time. I can only wonder who else will be in my future. I can only wonder where I will be the next New Year's, and with whom, if any.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Black Sand
Yesterday was my last full day on the island. Marifrancis drove us along the northern coast, just the two of us. The first stop was a cliff near where we would later have fish. I listened to the whispers of the sea, as if longing for a message, a voice. And I looked stark into the horizon, and noticed that not all the parts of the horizon are the same. Some parts have a brighter illumination on the sky part than others, some parts are blurred by whatever meteorological event that was happening there.
After lunch, we continued driving. We saw a great little town with its famous balconies. We've come here many times before along with the rest of her family, but it was always at night, after dinner or something. I realized I no longer thought everything was amazing, just appreciated everything I noticed for what it was. It was a strange sensation. Perhaps I am done with the kind of traveling I had been doing before going to Buenos Aires, which was the first time I didn't go around snapping pictures at everything that was different.
The highlight of the day trip was at the end. We found a beach that Marifrancis didn't know about. It was a small black beach, completely black, black from the eroded lava rocks that you see in many architectures this part of the island. She didn't want to go down to the sand because she had a cold, and going down to the sand would only be fun if she took her shoes off. So I went down there alone while she enjoyed the view. I wanted to feel the sand, and more importantly, the water, the warm Atlantic water (warm here, not back in the Northeast). I ran for a minute on the waves that reached that far to the damp sand. Then I stopped and walked slowly, letting the white foam of various heights engulf my lower shins. Then I stopped and looked at the sea again. It's simple, and yet, there're many parts to each wave if you just notice one. Back on the top at the cliff before lunch, the waves looked different from the bottom of the cliff; they were in slow motion, and yet, I could see the details evolving, also in slow motion. Here the waves were fast, in front of me, threatening to surprise me with a big wave that would wet my pants. Here the sound is loud and awesome. Here I could feel the waves, not only the temperature of the water, but their pushing and, even more interestingly, dragging of my feet, and when they drag my feet I sink a little into the black sand.
I turned around and walked toward the other end, where surfers were preparing their entrance into the infinite body of water. The sensation of being pushed and pulled by the waves, the view of the water, the evolution of each wave, this cannot be easily described, cannot be easily written in a poem; it can only be felt. Right away that beach became one of my favorites, and it became a highlight of my trip. I yearned for the sea, just as I yearned for the mountain, which I walked in yesterday. And I felt a slight tinge of sadness when I compelled myself to leave the waves. I turned around a few times and saw my footprint on the damp sand; they seemed so lonesome, in a good or bad way, I don't know.
I joined Marifrancis in watching the sea dance. We both noticed how the sea that was emerald earlier in the day when appeared from the bottom of the cliff now had a coat of golden shimmer. It was, in my mind, stealing the sun that had already descended behind the mountains behind us. The sun's rays traveled over the mountains and bounced off the clouds only to land like fallen leaves on the blue sea, floating, glistening.
The sea calms me down, just as the mountain delivers me peace. I was waiting still to see what the Swiss pianist would decide on. The sea reminded me the simple ways to find myself, that life's drama needs not be greater than the constant evolution of the waves, which is itself very beautiful. And I was with my best friend who would miss me dearly. We half joked that if I ever marry this Swiss pianist, I would be moving to Europe and we would be neighbors, finally (sort of). Who knows what the future brings. But for sure it brings surprises when you have an open heart. This discovery of a black sand beach is certainly a great surprise.
After lunch, we continued driving. We saw a great little town with its famous balconies. We've come here many times before along with the rest of her family, but it was always at night, after dinner or something. I realized I no longer thought everything was amazing, just appreciated everything I noticed for what it was. It was a strange sensation. Perhaps I am done with the kind of traveling I had been doing before going to Buenos Aires, which was the first time I didn't go around snapping pictures at everything that was different.
The highlight of the day trip was at the end. We found a beach that Marifrancis didn't know about. It was a small black beach, completely black, black from the eroded lava rocks that you see in many architectures this part of the island. She didn't want to go down to the sand because she had a cold, and going down to the sand would only be fun if she took her shoes off. So I went down there alone while she enjoyed the view. I wanted to feel the sand, and more importantly, the water, the warm Atlantic water (warm here, not back in the Northeast). I ran for a minute on the waves that reached that far to the damp sand. Then I stopped and walked slowly, letting the white foam of various heights engulf my lower shins. Then I stopped and looked at the sea again. It's simple, and yet, there're many parts to each wave if you just notice one. Back on the top at the cliff before lunch, the waves looked different from the bottom of the cliff; they were in slow motion, and yet, I could see the details evolving, also in slow motion. Here the waves were fast, in front of me, threatening to surprise me with a big wave that would wet my pants. Here the sound is loud and awesome. Here I could feel the waves, not only the temperature of the water, but their pushing and, even more interestingly, dragging of my feet, and when they drag my feet I sink a little into the black sand.
I turned around and walked toward the other end, where surfers were preparing their entrance into the infinite body of water. The sensation of being pushed and pulled by the waves, the view of the water, the evolution of each wave, this cannot be easily described, cannot be easily written in a poem; it can only be felt. Right away that beach became one of my favorites, and it became a highlight of my trip. I yearned for the sea, just as I yearned for the mountain, which I walked in yesterday. And I felt a slight tinge of sadness when I compelled myself to leave the waves. I turned around a few times and saw my footprint on the damp sand; they seemed so lonesome, in a good or bad way, I don't know.
I joined Marifrancis in watching the sea dance. We both noticed how the sea that was emerald earlier in the day when appeared from the bottom of the cliff now had a coat of golden shimmer. It was, in my mind, stealing the sun that had already descended behind the mountains behind us. The sun's rays traveled over the mountains and bounced off the clouds only to land like fallen leaves on the blue sea, floating, glistening.
The sea calms me down, just as the mountain delivers me peace. I was waiting still to see what the Swiss pianist would decide on. The sea reminded me the simple ways to find myself, that life's drama needs not be greater than the constant evolution of the waves, which is itself very beautiful. And I was with my best friend who would miss me dearly. We half joked that if I ever marry this Swiss pianist, I would be moving to Europe and we would be neighbors, finally (sort of). Who knows what the future brings. But for sure it brings surprises when you have an open heart. This discovery of a black sand beach is certainly a great surprise.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Return to Tenerife
The last time I was in Tenerife was just about exactly three years ago. Last time I celebrated New Year's Eve here. This year I will be alone, in Madrid, just as I did the first time I came to Tenerife. The first time I came to Tenerife I came right after New Year's Eve, some six years ago. Then, and as always except this time, I would miss Christmas in Tenerife because it's a family time for Marifrancis and her family. This year I arrived with her on Christmas Eve.
And I arrived with so much on my mind, perhaps so much that I just collapsed in bed and slept more than three hours.
The night before I hardly slept. Partly because I had two shots of Scotch after a few sips of wine. Partly because I couldn't stop thinking about the Swiss pianist, about the decision she is about to make, or has already taken but hadn't dared to tell me. And of course, it was really unusual time of sleeping for a week of an already unusual sleeping patterns. I was supposed to sleep from 9PM to 4AM, local time, a time when I usually went dancing or not sleeping at all if you translated it to US time. On top of that, the sofa bed of Marifrancis was never conducive to sleeping for me.
So it was a night of lost sleep. And I managed to doze off in the airplane, despite the heavy sound of footsteps every time someone walked by on the shaky airplane floor. But dozing off didn't count. I slept a few hours after having arriving and having lunch.
It's been three years since I was here, and I am remembering many things as well as learning new things. Not just learning new things, but also deepening what I have already learned. I mean, about Marifrancis' family, about their interactions with the surrounding areas bound by the limits imposed by the Atlantic Ocean. For some of her brothers, the island seems like a prison. For at least her youngest brother, it is home and he volunteers to stay here as long as his mother needs. This is especially true now that the father had passed away in February.
The eldest brother is still working hard to provide for his daughter, and both of them live under the same roof as the rest of the family. The only member missing, besides the father now, is Marifrancis, the only one to have left the family and island more than eight years ago. When I first came here eight year's ago (exactly so starting next week), the family didn't have that brother and his daughter. The daughter was a shy little three-year-old, as unfamiliar to me as was the island. I remember coming off the plane from Madrid and discovered a lot of warmth in the air but also more coolness from the clouds than expected. The island, like my friend's family, was much more complicated than I had expected. But isn't that usually the case? You get some impression at first, some hearsay, some expectations, and the more you spend time on this subject, the more complicated it gets.
Today (being a few days since I started this blog) Marifrancis and I went to one of her favorite spots, which tourists don't usually visit since it's in the northern part. There are no beaches here, but lots of black rocks from lava and white waves smashing onto them. I sat there with her, taking some distance for our own space, and I tried to let myself go, mentally, into the emerald sea with its emerald waves. I thought about the problems each member of her family faced. Not just the eldest son with the daughter, but also the son who had been trying to get a governmental job for as long as I had known the family, or the mother who had just lost a 40-year old relationship to cancer. These things gave me some perspective in a time when I am trying very hard not to think about the Swiss pianist. The bliss with her in the final couple of weeks before my vacation is becoming a distant memory. I don't feel as desperate as before to have her in my life, but I don't want it any less. I just don't feel as desperate, either because I am calmer, or because I am suppressing that feeling better.
With the perspective I am gaining from interacting with and observing the family that has welcomed me at each visit, I gain also a sense of peace with respect to the Swiss pianist. I am thinking more about what I want to do besides worrying that she would not want me in her life the way we both wish would happen. I am still disturbed that she has gone off to Hawaii with her boyfriend without making a final decision, but at the same time, not only do I trust that she has some good reason that I cannot currently understand, but also, well, it doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things. My life can't revolve around her decisions about her own life. Perhaps one day my life will intertwine with another person's life, but right now, that's not the case. Being away from her, being with people whom I care and who have real dramas and difficulties, helps me move forward with my life.
Tomorrow (really officially now) is the birthday of the eldest son. I will take them out for lunch and hopefully will have energy to make him some spaghetti alla vodka. To give love to yourself, and to those who have become a part of your life, helps you feel more grounded. With this thought I hope I can sleep!
And I arrived with so much on my mind, perhaps so much that I just collapsed in bed and slept more than three hours.
The night before I hardly slept. Partly because I had two shots of Scotch after a few sips of wine. Partly because I couldn't stop thinking about the Swiss pianist, about the decision she is about to make, or has already taken but hadn't dared to tell me. And of course, it was really unusual time of sleeping for a week of an already unusual sleeping patterns. I was supposed to sleep from 9PM to 4AM, local time, a time when I usually went dancing or not sleeping at all if you translated it to US time. On top of that, the sofa bed of Marifrancis was never conducive to sleeping for me.
So it was a night of lost sleep. And I managed to doze off in the airplane, despite the heavy sound of footsteps every time someone walked by on the shaky airplane floor. But dozing off didn't count. I slept a few hours after having arriving and having lunch.
It's been three years since I was here, and I am remembering many things as well as learning new things. Not just learning new things, but also deepening what I have already learned. I mean, about Marifrancis' family, about their interactions with the surrounding areas bound by the limits imposed by the Atlantic Ocean. For some of her brothers, the island seems like a prison. For at least her youngest brother, it is home and he volunteers to stay here as long as his mother needs. This is especially true now that the father had passed away in February.
The eldest brother is still working hard to provide for his daughter, and both of them live under the same roof as the rest of the family. The only member missing, besides the father now, is Marifrancis, the only one to have left the family and island more than eight years ago. When I first came here eight year's ago (exactly so starting next week), the family didn't have that brother and his daughter. The daughter was a shy little three-year-old, as unfamiliar to me as was the island. I remember coming off the plane from Madrid and discovered a lot of warmth in the air but also more coolness from the clouds than expected. The island, like my friend's family, was much more complicated than I had expected. But isn't that usually the case? You get some impression at first, some hearsay, some expectations, and the more you spend time on this subject, the more complicated it gets.
Today (being a few days since I started this blog) Marifrancis and I went to one of her favorite spots, which tourists don't usually visit since it's in the northern part. There are no beaches here, but lots of black rocks from lava and white waves smashing onto them. I sat there with her, taking some distance for our own space, and I tried to let myself go, mentally, into the emerald sea with its emerald waves. I thought about the problems each member of her family faced. Not just the eldest son with the daughter, but also the son who had been trying to get a governmental job for as long as I had known the family, or the mother who had just lost a 40-year old relationship to cancer. These things gave me some perspective in a time when I am trying very hard not to think about the Swiss pianist. The bliss with her in the final couple of weeks before my vacation is becoming a distant memory. I don't feel as desperate as before to have her in my life, but I don't want it any less. I just don't feel as desperate, either because I am calmer, or because I am suppressing that feeling better.
With the perspective I am gaining from interacting with and observing the family that has welcomed me at each visit, I gain also a sense of peace with respect to the Swiss pianist. I am thinking more about what I want to do besides worrying that she would not want me in her life the way we both wish would happen. I am still disturbed that she has gone off to Hawaii with her boyfriend without making a final decision, but at the same time, not only do I trust that she has some good reason that I cannot currently understand, but also, well, it doesn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things. My life can't revolve around her decisions about her own life. Perhaps one day my life will intertwine with another person's life, but right now, that's not the case. Being away from her, being with people whom I care and who have real dramas and difficulties, helps me move forward with my life.
Tomorrow (really officially now) is the birthday of the eldest son. I will take them out for lunch and hopefully will have energy to make him some spaghetti alla vodka. To give love to yourself, and to those who have become a part of your life, helps you feel more grounded. With this thought I hope I can sleep!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Returning to Paris
I've returned to Paris many times, especially when I lived in England. Leaving Gare du Nord on the Eurostar to cross the Channel into London, I watched the dark, northern landscape of the city disappear. I saw the illuminated Sacré Coeur in the distance, waving goodbye. I saw the rundown hotels disappear too; one of them was probably where I stayed once when I was coming from London with the girlfriend at the time.
But the memories that stood out most on this brief trip belong to the first time I came to Paris. It was my second trip to Europe. It was the summer ending my sophomore year, there I waited in the French capital for my college girlfriend who had just broken up with me to be with this other guy. It was at times a little awkward, I mean, we were sharing the same bed though nothing weird happened. It was nonetheless difficult. Looking back I realized I had already put myself in such awkward situation early on. That was 1995, June.... More than 16 years ago. I was there. She took me to see all the different places, showed me tricks on saving money, saving time, being a good Romanian used to circumventing "the system".
I went to a lot of places she had taken me. Some places I had revisited a few times since then. Some, like the Musée de Rodin, I had not been back since. I remember taking a picture of her next to the famous "The Kiss" sculpture. I remember, in my head, we were standing in front of the "Gate of Hell", Rodin's rendition of Dante's "Inferno". There were more flowers and the trees had more leaves that summer; now it was cold and the trees were stripped of their grandeur by the recurring winter. And, of course, I was alone.
But life wasn't so different. I was in a similar situation, in that I was involved with a woman who had a boyfriend. Difference is that she is making her decision on what to do next. And I was kept in suspense throughout my trip in the French capital. If she decides to be with me, then good chance that I will be returning to Paris many times as she intends on moving back to Switzerland, or Europe, at least. That was on my mind, too. A future with her, if she so chooses.
I didn't do much site-seeing. I went to touristy places, but not snapping pictures at the oft-snapped sites. I went to Montmartre, recalling the "Fabulous Tale" of Amélie (that's the approximate translation of the original French title). Some people's love stories are simple. Mine, for some reason, has to be incredibly complicated. I don't choose simple people, simple situations, or life decides that I deserve something more than the simple mundane thread existence.
I also went walking around Quartier Latin with another old friend who had been living in France for a while. This area also helps me recall the first trip in Paris. It's where I had cheap canteen food at a university cafeteria. The friend this time also happened to be Romanian. We met on a train in Romania, and we don't write to each other more than once a year, but we're close. Still, I know she likes me still, after all these years, since that train ride to a German-speaking Romanian town in 1999, I know she likes me, and we know I never felt the same way. Nothing weird happened between us, but with her I know how it feels to be unable to return love. At the end of the afternoon walks, she had to return to her city of Reims. From the TGV train she repeatedly asked me to come back with her, visit her place, her life there. She knew I was madly in love with a woman who would either bring me heavenly joy or abysmal dejection, but still, she begged me to go back with her, assuring me that there were two beds. I had visited her once in her native town in Romania back when I was living in England. I never stayed overnight, but I saw her small, sad-looking apartment in a sad-looking Communist style building. And when it was my time to board the train to leave her town, she kissed me. I felt very sad for her. She is the total opposite of me: expecting nothing complicated, nothing serious, from life. It doesn't mean she doesn't get into complicated situations, but we are too different; I seek adventures in the world, no matter the cost; she is happy being in one little, quiet place, being a surgeon.
The major difference between this trip to Paris and the other trips is that I danced a lot of tango. Four nights out of five. I tried dancing last time I was here, but I was still not confident enough. This time I was more open-minded and more confident. I had a good time. I was also curious what I was getting myself into, in terms of tango, at least, if I do move back to Europe. It's not as fantastic as New York, but still.
Tango or no tango, I found the love of my life, in the most complicated, tangled web I can imagine my life to get into (I guess at least she's not married with children). This suspense of not knowing what her decision process is like, not knowing the final result, drives me crazy. I try not to think about it. I try to assume the worst. After all, she is going on a New Year's trip to Hawaii with her boyfriend. I don't quite understand what that means, why she decided to do that. At the same time, she is writing me poems everyday, and the two times we actually chatted, she reminded me how much she missed me.
She will decide soon, it's just me having to cope with the unknown. It's better if I can just not think about it and enjoy my time here, and I am enjoying my time. Paris I felt in love with the city again, as always. Today's my first day in London and I met up with another old friend (this one there is not an iota of drama with). Now I am in a cafe with bad hot chocolate, waiting for my best friend to come back from her work. I don't know what we will do, but we will see. She knows about my tangled web of events, and she, being very emotional of a Spaniard, is all confused and frustrated and happy. She doesn't want me to be hurt again, of course.
But as I told her, whatever happens, I am blessed with one thing: for the first time, the woman I am crazy about is crazy about me. And I know how that feels for me. And, from now on, I won't settle. Before her I always had to work very hard trying to convince the girl to give me the same attention back. And it never worked, often backfired. Part of the problem is what my friends always told me (and many of these "friends" were actually the very same girls before becoming friends): I need to know I deserve better; I need to believe I am damn good. For the first time in my life, I realized, yes, I am really that good; I don't need to go running after every breadcrumb that comes my way just because she's beautiful. Dignity in myself. As another friend told me, let the girls come to me.
I used to have as my signature a quote from a Portuguese writer: Take care of your garden and the butterflies will come to you. I always ran after girls trying to prove I have a lot to offer, when I didn't have to do that; I already had a lot to offer. Their failure to see my beauty is not my problem. Having met a girl who absolutely adores me makes me see what it feels like to be myself while still being in love. Being in love doesn't mean I have to work so much.
I have one more week left before going back to reality, and by then, hopefully, a decision is made. But what I really should do is not think about that decision. It's her decision, not mine. I have already decided on spending my life with her. It's time to move on.
But the memories that stood out most on this brief trip belong to the first time I came to Paris. It was my second trip to Europe. It was the summer ending my sophomore year, there I waited in the French capital for my college girlfriend who had just broken up with me to be with this other guy. It was at times a little awkward, I mean, we were sharing the same bed though nothing weird happened. It was nonetheless difficult. Looking back I realized I had already put myself in such awkward situation early on. That was 1995, June.... More than 16 years ago. I was there. She took me to see all the different places, showed me tricks on saving money, saving time, being a good Romanian used to circumventing "the system".
I went to a lot of places she had taken me. Some places I had revisited a few times since then. Some, like the Musée de Rodin, I had not been back since. I remember taking a picture of her next to the famous "The Kiss" sculpture. I remember, in my head, we were standing in front of the "Gate of Hell", Rodin's rendition of Dante's "Inferno". There were more flowers and the trees had more leaves that summer; now it was cold and the trees were stripped of their grandeur by the recurring winter. And, of course, I was alone.
But life wasn't so different. I was in a similar situation, in that I was involved with a woman who had a boyfriend. Difference is that she is making her decision on what to do next. And I was kept in suspense throughout my trip in the French capital. If she decides to be with me, then good chance that I will be returning to Paris many times as she intends on moving back to Switzerland, or Europe, at least. That was on my mind, too. A future with her, if she so chooses.
I didn't do much site-seeing. I went to touristy places, but not snapping pictures at the oft-snapped sites. I went to Montmartre, recalling the "Fabulous Tale" of Amélie (that's the approximate translation of the original French title). Some people's love stories are simple. Mine, for some reason, has to be incredibly complicated. I don't choose simple people, simple situations, or life decides that I deserve something more than the simple mundane thread existence.
I also went walking around Quartier Latin with another old friend who had been living in France for a while. This area also helps me recall the first trip in Paris. It's where I had cheap canteen food at a university cafeteria. The friend this time also happened to be Romanian. We met on a train in Romania, and we don't write to each other more than once a year, but we're close. Still, I know she likes me still, after all these years, since that train ride to a German-speaking Romanian town in 1999, I know she likes me, and we know I never felt the same way. Nothing weird happened between us, but with her I know how it feels to be unable to return love. At the end of the afternoon walks, she had to return to her city of Reims. From the TGV train she repeatedly asked me to come back with her, visit her place, her life there. She knew I was madly in love with a woman who would either bring me heavenly joy or abysmal dejection, but still, she begged me to go back with her, assuring me that there were two beds. I had visited her once in her native town in Romania back when I was living in England. I never stayed overnight, but I saw her small, sad-looking apartment in a sad-looking Communist style building. And when it was my time to board the train to leave her town, she kissed me. I felt very sad for her. She is the total opposite of me: expecting nothing complicated, nothing serious, from life. It doesn't mean she doesn't get into complicated situations, but we are too different; I seek adventures in the world, no matter the cost; she is happy being in one little, quiet place, being a surgeon.
The major difference between this trip to Paris and the other trips is that I danced a lot of tango. Four nights out of five. I tried dancing last time I was here, but I was still not confident enough. This time I was more open-minded and more confident. I had a good time. I was also curious what I was getting myself into, in terms of tango, at least, if I do move back to Europe. It's not as fantastic as New York, but still.
Tango or no tango, I found the love of my life, in the most complicated, tangled web I can imagine my life to get into (I guess at least she's not married with children). This suspense of not knowing what her decision process is like, not knowing the final result, drives me crazy. I try not to think about it. I try to assume the worst. After all, she is going on a New Year's trip to Hawaii with her boyfriend. I don't quite understand what that means, why she decided to do that. At the same time, she is writing me poems everyday, and the two times we actually chatted, she reminded me how much she missed me.
She will decide soon, it's just me having to cope with the unknown. It's better if I can just not think about it and enjoy my time here, and I am enjoying my time. Paris I felt in love with the city again, as always. Today's my first day in London and I met up with another old friend (this one there is not an iota of drama with). Now I am in a cafe with bad hot chocolate, waiting for my best friend to come back from her work. I don't know what we will do, but we will see. She knows about my tangled web of events, and she, being very emotional of a Spaniard, is all confused and frustrated and happy. She doesn't want me to be hurt again, of course.
But as I told her, whatever happens, I am blessed with one thing: for the first time, the woman I am crazy about is crazy about me. And I know how that feels for me. And, from now on, I won't settle. Before her I always had to work very hard trying to convince the girl to give me the same attention back. And it never worked, often backfired. Part of the problem is what my friends always told me (and many of these "friends" were actually the very same girls before becoming friends): I need to know I deserve better; I need to believe I am damn good. For the first time in my life, I realized, yes, I am really that good; I don't need to go running after every breadcrumb that comes my way just because she's beautiful. Dignity in myself. As another friend told me, let the girls come to me.
I used to have as my signature a quote from a Portuguese writer: Take care of your garden and the butterflies will come to you. I always ran after girls trying to prove I have a lot to offer, when I didn't have to do that; I already had a lot to offer. Their failure to see my beauty is not my problem. Having met a girl who absolutely adores me makes me see what it feels like to be myself while still being in love. Being in love doesn't mean I have to work so much.
I have one more week left before going back to reality, and by then, hopefully, a decision is made. But what I really should do is not think about that decision. It's her decision, not mine. I have already decided on spending my life with her. It's time to move on.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Late Entry
It's been a while since I've written anything here. I've been busy writing a novel for the November Novel month.
I wanted to put a few notes here.
The plan was never to date someone who has a boyfriend. But life never goes as planned.
Where do I start? I mentioned her. Pianist, also. Coincidence? Probably not. So many people date someone looks just like the one they broke up with if they don't wait a while before jumping back into the dating pool.
But the coincidence is not important here.
She's really amazing. I know, I always say this about everyone I am interested in.
But listen. We clique easily. We know what the other person is thinking most of the time. We make each other laugh (and now cry for the first time). It's like we've known each other for a while, and we both know we've only known each other for a few weeks, meeting usually just once a week.
But every time we meet, something even more amazing happens. The latest is this phenomenon I had only dreamed but never done it with anyone. It's intense. It's looking at each others' faces, communicating by reading that face and letting your soul seep out to be read. For the first time I feel I am getting to know a woman as a woman, as a human being, more than just friendship or anything else. I am often tempted to touch her face, but then I know that's just me wanting a shortcut, being impatient, not letting myself become absorbed in this connection.
And it's natural. We look at each other and we don't let go. We don't look away until something external pushes us (like it's time to catch the subway or we'll be late for the milonga).
I remember feeling a newly deep connection a long time ago with this woman from Lithuania. That was after college. We had a deep connection, talked so naturally. But then one day she announced that she was going to see this boy she was interested in all the way in Seattle. They ended up getting married. I was devastated. I never looked at my own feelings, inspected them, but then when she told me she was going to see someone else and going to marry him, my world collapsed and I stopped talking to her.
And that's sort of what this pianist did. She told me after I pressed her that she was going to start a new life with her boyfriend, start a family.
I felt so lonely. I asked myself what was the point of this connection. I wanted to never see her again.
By talking to friends (well, really just shooting one friend with lots of emails whenever I had a thought) I slowly realized how much I wanted to have someone, to have a family, and how that desperation always prevented me from enjoying what I currently have. I don't know if I will ever find someone I can connect with so well, on sense of humor, on philosophy, on belief system. And this connection through the face. I am afraid of the future, afraid I won't find someone.
But I am not enjoying what I have now. This is the girl that randomly sends me a text to tell me to look at the moon because through that silver disk she thought about me. The girl that brought my treats always as a surprise. The girl that took me to all these places in New York I didn't know about. The girl I am never bored with and whom I never bored.
And then to hear her lay out her plans in the backseat of a taxi in front of me. My world collapsed.
I wanted to put a few notes here.
The plan was never to date someone who has a boyfriend. But life never goes as planned.
Where do I start? I mentioned her. Pianist, also. Coincidence? Probably not. So many people date someone looks just like the one they broke up with if they don't wait a while before jumping back into the dating pool.
But the coincidence is not important here.
She's really amazing. I know, I always say this about everyone I am interested in.
But listen. We clique easily. We know what the other person is thinking most of the time. We make each other laugh (and now cry for the first time). It's like we've known each other for a while, and we both know we've only known each other for a few weeks, meeting usually just once a week.
But every time we meet, something even more amazing happens. The latest is this phenomenon I had only dreamed but never done it with anyone. It's intense. It's looking at each others' faces, communicating by reading that face and letting your soul seep out to be read. For the first time I feel I am getting to know a woman as a woman, as a human being, more than just friendship or anything else. I am often tempted to touch her face, but then I know that's just me wanting a shortcut, being impatient, not letting myself become absorbed in this connection.
And it's natural. We look at each other and we don't let go. We don't look away until something external pushes us (like it's time to catch the subway or we'll be late for the milonga).
I remember feeling a newly deep connection a long time ago with this woman from Lithuania. That was after college. We had a deep connection, talked so naturally. But then one day she announced that she was going to see this boy she was interested in all the way in Seattle. They ended up getting married. I was devastated. I never looked at my own feelings, inspected them, but then when she told me she was going to see someone else and going to marry him, my world collapsed and I stopped talking to her.
And that's sort of what this pianist did. She told me after I pressed her that she was going to start a new life with her boyfriend, start a family.
I felt so lonely. I asked myself what was the point of this connection. I wanted to never see her again.
By talking to friends (well, really just shooting one friend with lots of emails whenever I had a thought) I slowly realized how much I wanted to have someone, to have a family, and how that desperation always prevented me from enjoying what I currently have. I don't know if I will ever find someone I can connect with so well, on sense of humor, on philosophy, on belief system. And this connection through the face. I am afraid of the future, afraid I won't find someone.
But I am not enjoying what I have now. This is the girl that randomly sends me a text to tell me to look at the moon because through that silver disk she thought about me. The girl that brought my treats always as a surprise. The girl that took me to all these places in New York I didn't know about. The girl I am never bored with and whom I never bored.
And then to hear her lay out her plans in the backseat of a taxi in front of me. My world collapsed.
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