It's been a while since I've written anything here. I've been busy writing a novel for the November Novel month.
I wanted to put a few notes here.
The plan was never to date someone who has a boyfriend. But life never goes as planned.
Where do I start? I mentioned her. Pianist, also. Coincidence? Probably not. So many people date someone looks just like the one they broke up with if they don't wait a while before jumping back into the dating pool.
But the coincidence is not important here.
She's really amazing. I know, I always say this about everyone I am interested in.
But listen. We clique easily. We know what the other person is thinking most of the time. We make each other laugh (and now cry for the first time). It's like we've known each other for a while, and we both know we've only known each other for a few weeks, meeting usually just once a week.
But every time we meet, something even more amazing happens. The latest is this phenomenon I had only dreamed but never done it with anyone. It's intense. It's looking at each others' faces, communicating by reading that face and letting your soul seep out to be read. For the first time I feel I am getting to know a woman as a woman, as a human being, more than just friendship or anything else. I am often tempted to touch her face, but then I know that's just me wanting a shortcut, being impatient, not letting myself become absorbed in this connection.
And it's natural. We look at each other and we don't let go. We don't look away until something external pushes us (like it's time to catch the subway or we'll be late for the milonga).
I remember feeling a newly deep connection a long time ago with this woman from Lithuania. That was after college. We had a deep connection, talked so naturally. But then one day she announced that she was going to see this boy she was interested in all the way in Seattle. They ended up getting married. I was devastated. I never looked at my own feelings, inspected them, but then when she told me she was going to see someone else and going to marry him, my world collapsed and I stopped talking to her.
And that's sort of what this pianist did. She told me after I pressed her that she was going to start a new life with her boyfriend, start a family.
I felt so lonely. I asked myself what was the point of this connection. I wanted to never see her again.
By talking to friends (well, really just shooting one friend with lots of emails whenever I had a thought) I slowly realized how much I wanted to have someone, to have a family, and how that desperation always prevented me from enjoying what I currently have. I don't know if I will ever find someone I can connect with so well, on sense of humor, on philosophy, on belief system. And this connection through the face. I am afraid of the future, afraid I won't find someone.
But I am not enjoying what I have now. This is the girl that randomly sends me a text to tell me to look at the moon because through that silver disk she thought about me. The girl that brought my treats always as a surprise. The girl that took me to all these places in New York I didn't know about. The girl I am never bored with and whom I never bored.
And then to hear her lay out her plans in the backseat of a taxi in front of me. My world collapsed.
